I am so sorry that you didn't have an amazing experience you've planned... At the same time, I also want to offer my understanding that if I learned anything in the last 32 years of my service with the Birthing Field, it's that there are no accidents in the way we come and go. It has something to do with the Soul's agenda for this lifetime and our birth sets up the journey our Soul requires. It was not just you giving birth. It was, as much, your baby's creation. And if your child needed a different experience of birth or a different mom, he would have had it.
From what I understand, the main reason for complications in birth is the birth trauma of the pregnant woman. Do you know anything about your own birth? Did you have any sessions to neutralize the unconscious memories? A woman learns about giving birth by being born. The memory of the internal workings registers in the body on a cellular level.
Please, be kind to yourself, it's most important now for you to relax and heal. Your son could be now picking up on your sense of guilt and failure more than the actual birthing memory. Guilt is very toxic, it spreads like a virus in the family. Most likely, it didn't start with you. It's being handed down from generation to generation, our grandmothers got it from their mothers, we got it from ours... it is contagious.
Let go of it, it will never do any good. Learn to trust the big picture! Learn to breathe, to open your heart, to dance, to be happy! Love and happiness are a learned skill. Very few had role models. It's our collective creative project. Nobody has answers for us. Each one of us has to make it up!
Take really good care of yourself now, whenever you get a moment! This is what your baby needs the most - the quality of your presence that assures his well being, that will build up his dopamine production sufficient for his ultimate thriving. He needs to feel connection with your heart. When you relax, your baby will relax.
Get massages, walks, take a bath, whenever you can. And, as I said, the biggest piece in this puzzle is your own birth trauma, which was activated by your pregnancy. Working with it always has retroactive effect. When one woman in the family snaps off from this mass hypnosis of sleepwalking through life, it automatically affects her entire lineage - her foremothers and her children. If you want to deal with that, you'd need to find somebody to help you. I am sure, there are some practitioners in your area that offer sessions on neutralizing birth traumas. The reason why you need help with it, is because the whole point of it is getting a new reference point in your nervous system of somebody out there being there for you just the way you need them to be for you
. It's not something you can give yourself being alone with it.
Your partner, the father of your baby, is doing his best supporting you. If he could do better, he would, trust me on that. His birth trauma was activated by your pregnancy, too. If he is not living up to his part, it's because he is completely disoriented. We don't have any traditions teaching boys how to become fathers. So don't expect him to be the rock for you 100% of the time. He actually needs support himself during this time. It is deeply sad and un-natural that in our culture the new parents have so little support and basic education about adjusting to their new status.
I noticed a long time ago that when a mother shifts her energy, it is automatically, instantly reflected in a baby. So, reach out. I'm sure help is at your fingertips!