I was born and raised in Russia. My first job was at a military plant. I worked with blue prints of Russian tanks. I had a big desk, big salary and no respect for myself or the work I was doing. At some point I realized that the scariest part about Russian tank was the drunken person inside of it. I quit and went on to look for something more nurturing for my senses.
Almost accidentally, I walked into the competition for a 4 year scholarship in the College of Arts and won a place in a theater acting class. The school was amazing, I am forever grateful to my teachers for giving me an experience, for the first time in my life, of being seen, heard, respected and supported; for encouraging my creativity to flow freely; for holding the space for me to come out and play; for gifting me with the reference point for what it’s supposed to feel like – being appreciated for what and who I was, being allowed to make mistakes and not be punished or ridiculed for them; not having to be ‘perfect’ for my teachers, instead, being unconditionally accepted as being perfect just the way I was. Learning the actual acting was quite secondary. The man who designed my course, Boris Ponizovsky, was one of the greatest minds of our time - a philosopher, a wizard, a true spiritual teacher. It was the only class he ever led. He wanted to try his theories of working with young people, unlocking their life force in the environment of total oppression; and the only way he could legally get away with something like this during Brezhnev’s Soviet era, was going thru some liberal arts school that was not as scrutinized by censorship. So he disguised his work as an acting class.
One of the main things, he taught us - was to work together, as a team. It was really an amazing accomplishment. You see, in Russia for many generations now, babies are taken away from their mothers for 5 days. Let me say it again, to make sure you get it: mothers see their babies for the first time 5 days after giving birth. Sinking in? All 5 days the newborns are fed sugary water with tranquilizers to keep them from crying… The imprint of being alone in the whole entire world is the result of this practice, because by the end of the 5th day newborns completely give up the expectations of somebody out there in this universe showing up for them. People in Russia have the hardest time to come together and acknowledge one another. That’s why it’s so unbelievably difficult to get anything done right over there! – It’s a perfect form of crowd control – people not being able to agree on anything…
Boris broke the spell for us. He de-hypnotized us from that disconnect and introduced the power of mutual support. Bless his heart! He, also, hand-picked the teachers for the rest of the course to give it a legitimate look of recognized schooling,- along with voice and dance lessons, we had classes in world history of mythology, science, architecture, drawing, history of world’s religions, everyone in my class had to chose a musical instrument to play from the full menu that the College had offered, along with being the general umbrella for our group – physical walls and roof over our heads. I have no idea how aware the College administration was of the true nature of his teaching, and how it came to be possible in the first place. All I know,- it was one in a life time opportunity and I was blessed to be part of it. It was magical time…
I graduated in 1980 with a diploma of a theater actor. Unfortunately for all of us, Boris died soon after. At the rehearsal in his new theater he was creating, - quite a magical theater - he was backing up on stage to view more of a backdrop decorations and fell backwards into the orchestra pit… …………………………….
After working on stage for about a year in one of the Moscow troupes, I got profoundly bored with it. It was not at all what I thought it would be… In my experience of being an actor only about 5% of it was acting. 95% was backstage backstabbing and an unwritten rule, the most boring obligation to sleep with everybody who was somebody to get those tiny parts on stage. It was so not what I was taught… I had another powerful realization: all my acting skill was used for acting as ‘somebody else’. It was leaving me with no identity of my own! When I was not playing somebody I was not, I was not expected to be who I was, either! Actor’s myth is that it takes a lot of talent to pretend to be somebody else. The realization that happened to me was that it takes a lot more of a talent to stop pretending… I left the stage and never looked back. Theater just was not my calling.
Ever since, in my search for common sense in life and in pursuit of happiness, I was engaged in many, very different, activities in economical, political, spiritual life of Russia. All of which had a common theme for me - it was the energy of a breakthrough, ‘the cutting edge’, that I was after. Surrealistic twilight absurdity of Mother Russia was calling for some changes!
I was working wholeheartedly as a facilitator in business seminars called "Games", geared for the large state organizations. These “Games” were extremely effective in bringing economic changes to the USSR. Also, I was simultaneously involved in "Citizen Diplomacy" - an underground organization created with the purpose of putting an end to the Cold War, bringing down ‘the iron curtain’, opening the borders for people.
At the same time, I was actively involved in MJK movement (an abbreviation for the self-sustainable communities). The very first one was invented in the early 70ies and manifested by my dear friends in my hometown, in the Ural Mountains. It started with 5 people, a small circle of friends, rapidly grew into the community of almost 5 000 people,- the social situation was so ripe and the housing shortage – so desperate, that 10 years later it was already 29 000 people strong with over 300 similar communities sprouting all over Russia. It was so absolutely amazing what was happening!
(I will talk more about it later, for now - see my articles “How dreams come true” and “The Russian Games” on the “Soul Awareness” page of my site www.birthintobeing.com).
Russia was boiling with activities, ideas, passions, hopes… Winds of Change were swirling in the air! We were the Change! What was suppressed for so long was not willing to be still and quiet any more. People were snapping out of the mass hypnosis and taking charge. There was never a shortage of absolutely brilliant, very well educated people in that country. Unfortunately, there was always a shortage of intelligent government. If all of those grassroots’ movements and charismatic leaders that stepped up for a challenge and worked tirelessly in their own communities to make life richer and the future – brighter; if only they could have received some emotional and/or financial support from Gorbachev’s gang… But the government mafia conducted a coldhearted sabotage of all efforts, putting a wet blanket over every initiative, pocketed billions of dollars of humanitarian aid and Gorbachev took all the credit for the positive changes that still happened in Russia inspite of his ruling strategies………….
Right from the beginning of the end of my theatrical career, in 1981, I met Igor Charkovsky, one of the most complex men I’ve ever met. The crazy wizard, shaman and powerful healer, outrageously inappropriate and awkward in about any social situation, the beloved Russian waterbirth pioneer… He, in one brief meeting, explained to me what is at stake in the delivery room. He drew a clear picture of connection between our experience of being born and the quality of our life. When I understood the depth of this implication, I didn’t need a second invitation to put all I’ve got,- my time and energy – into helping organize young people, like me, into what became “Conscious Birth” Movement, which culminated in birth camps at the Black Sea during summers…
I was very active in my country; however, 10 years later another powerful realization occurred! It suddenly became clear to me where I needed a breakthrough the most was in my own personal life!
I was helping others to have babies, but planned never to have any of my own. Upon closer examination of my unwillingness to become a mother, I realized that all of my excuses of this planet’s overpopulation and better taking care of those that are already here, instead of making new ones,- were covering up my sheer terror of giving birth. That I literally just could not imagine that I would be able to survive that. My mind refused to even come close to a possibility of it. It was very far in my blind spot. As dedicated as I was to organizing the birth preparation program for others, I never went through it myself.
So, this realization was about the reasoning behind my choices. I still consider the decision of not having a child and, instead, dedicate the creative energy to other valuable projects – as a valid, respectable choice. But that decision needs to be made from the place of power, not because of fear of giving birth. Like any other decision, when the choice is made in motion towards the desirable outcome, and NOT out of need to run away from something.
It took a few years… First I needed to find some room in my head to start wanting to want a baby. I had a lot of ground to cover, including, my relationships with men… That area of my life was pretty blurry, very complicated and I really didn’t know where to start… I was already married many times by then and didn’t seem to know how to stay interested in staying married…
So, I stopped everything, moved to America and started my life from scratch, again. I had to learn to speak a new language, to drive, to do the shopping “American style”, to be a mother, but most of all to figure out, finally, who or what and why I am. When I remove the ways of identifying myself through all of my activities or belief systems, what was left?
I remember, one of my students asked me: “Let me get it straight! It took you 20 years to get to this point and you say, you can help us get there in 2 days?!” I replied: “Well, you can take my workshop. Whose workshop was I supposed to take?”
It’s a long story… did I mention that? But I have a whole book to gradually spill it out
For right now, to make a long story short, in 1990, in Los Angeles, I was looking into my new baby’s beautiful eyes, freshly out of my 5th marriage. Changing the world around me and trying to save humankind did not pay in family-valued currency; it did not make up for me not being present in my body. My own birth trauma kept me running from experiencing the true intimacy…
Gradually, I’ve obtained an infinite fascination with such a complex “event” as a human being. As that is exactly how I, now, perceive myself and any individual I’ve ever met on my path – as a multidimensional, ever-evolving event, - not as a solid, “carved-in-stone” object. I see myself as a curious, shape-shifting, little explorer, moving through the vastness of our Universe… I found it a comfortable place to be and enjoy many different activities, even if I’d wish to return to my theatrical career, I can do that without causing myself any damage. Actually, I did come back to stage, this time as a dancer (while living in California already). I was performing with the African Dance troupe “Honor Africa” for 5 years (so much for being a white girl and twice their age).
But through all the years of my involvement with different forms of living, one theme remained the strongest presence – Conscious Procreation. I kept returning to it in large spiraling circles, more clear and urgent every time.
As we, the people, made ourselves believe that birthing of a human baby is a medical emergency, we are paying dearly for that concept. Technological birth, mechanical or chemical extraction of the baby’s body out of the mother’s body is causing us degrade as a species. The following chapter will explain the mechanics of that dependency on technology. It creates technocratic civilization, removed from all that makes us humans, what has the capacity to allow the deep sense of wellbeing within our souls. In many places on Earth Cesarean Section is reaching the rates of 80%. In many countries it is now believed to be a norm. That explains my urgency.
It is not a norm! At this point, from everything I gathered, I really believe that our procreation is a normal physiological function that we are quite capable of, like eating, sleeping and eliminating. As we don’t need a doctor for those functions when we are healthy, we don’t need one for a healthy delivery. Of course, if we are not healthy, I am sure glad that we have all of our well trained medical professionals to help us out with those vital necessities.
The arrival of a new human being into our 3-dimensional reality does not start at birth and does not end with birth. It’s a long, very complex process. I think the more we understand this complexity, the more chances we have to survive as a species.
I always wonder, what would have become of me, if I was not hurt so badly in the very beginning of me. What kind of a person would I have become if I were to have supportive, nurturing parents, who knew how to tend to my needs and cultivate my talents? Yes, I made it anyway, still in one piece, inspite of all those close calls… Yes, I can say that I know what I know because I was desperate to find out. Yes, trail and error has been the basic learning curve for our kind. But I can’t help it but wonder… I guess, we’ll never know, will we?... Personally, I believe that learning through fun and enjoyable ways is much faster; that receiving knowledge from caring and kind teachers is the proper way of learning proper things. That emotionally safe learning environment is much more efficient.
I know this because since 1982 I’ve been attentively observing the children that were unharmed during gestation and birth. They had dedicated parents that were honestly doing their best to raise them. Of course, growing up they had to have their share of challenge and life threw at them all kinds of hardships. It’s Russia I’m talking about, harsh environment… And some of those children didn’t handle it gracefully. Got bombarded with too much sensory overload or their parents’ enthusiasm withered under circumstances. Being that sensitive, open and transparent as they were is only safe under some degree of guaranteed protection. But most of them were gifted with enough buffer zone to allow them to fully unfold. They are absolutely magnificent!!! I believe the future of Russia, my beloved country, belongs to them. And I am doing all I can to help them.
Last year I released my film “Birth, As We Know It”. Without any marketing or advertising it’s already in 42 countries, just by word of mouth. It means, there is an enormous request for this kind of information. I am happy to be of Service.
~*~ Elena ~*~
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